My journey on becoming a mommy

From my last post it has been obvious that life had taken a fast forward mode.

I think it was somewhere in January end or February beginning when i started with a bigger bump and the related twitches and turns from within and the feeling of ‘being pregnant’ started settling in well.

Before i could blink and realise it was June. My hospital bags were packed, the post natal massage lady booked, my mother in law got to town, the doctor’s visits were no longer monthly but getting to bi-monthly and weekly.

On a June morning, my mom seeing me commented, ‘you bump is getting low. Baby will be here anytime’. I was 37 weeks that day and officially full term. Guess it was her words ringing in my mind the whole day, i ended up in the hospital that afternoon with some false pains. With some education from the nurses and consoling from the doctor i went back home.

I was on the lookout for all the signs that the nurse had instructed me every day then.

I went on to the 38th week of pregnancy.

It was 26th night, with so much symptoms i went to bed.

It was about 11.20 in the night and I thought i was passing urine on my self. I though i had lost control on my bladder but then it struck, was it my water bag? But then isnt the water bag breaking a gush of water?

But soon, i realised that my ‘ assumed’ urine leakage was wetting my cloths.

Mom was sleeping; i woke her up requesting her to help me clean up but what followed was a commotion and we were hospital bound.

27th June Early Morning 0100 hrs

On checking the nurse in the Labour & Delivery ward confirms- i am leaking fluid and needs to be admitted now. Was admitted and waiting for the pain to set in, as i was already 2 cms dilated.

Quickly was strapped to the ctg to monitor my contractions and baby’s heartbeat.

0300 hrs

Amidst a lot of deliveries happening (i hear a lot of wailing from the near by rooms); my doctor comes to check me and says he shall wait till 12 noon and then decide on the further course. To speed up the process, medicines were administered to induce labour along with a drip.

0600 hrs

My husband and mother in law comes. My super excited Rajesh had clicked a few pictures before i could go into labour. I smiled through the cramping i was going through.

0800 hrs

Cleaned up, enema administered and waiting for active labour to set it, though i was having mild cramping and not so strong contractions.

0900 hrs

Everybody goes to have some breakfast while it is a liquid diet for me.

1130 hrs

No progress. Dull contractions, still 2 cms dilated (for the baby to come out-the cervix needs to be dilated 10 cms).  Doctor changes his mind, ‘The baby is doing great. Lets wait till evening 8’

The ctg measured my contractions at an unit of 8-9 while actual labour needed a measure of 100 units and above. I was waiting while i was administered the same medicine again to induce the pain and second round of drips started.

The full day cramping was tiring me and the people with me kept waiting.

2000 hrs

The doctor checks me again.

Progress 3 cms dilation but the same dull contractions (i was getting tired by now). The doctor suggests we get an ultra sound scan to be done to see what is hindering the baby from descending into the birth canal, as the baby was still positioned high up.

It was decided that we wait for a few more hours.

The labour induction (which was necessary as i was leaking fluid), being unable to move (as i was strapped to the ctg machine) and the all day lower abdomen cramping and dull back pain was unbearable. My 9 months of pregnancy wasnt as uneventful as this one day was getting.

28th June 0000 hrs

An internal check reveals that i was now 4 cms dilated. Though dilation was progressing pretty slow, my pains were intensifying. A wave of pain would hit my lower back, like a wave move to the lower abdomen, make me feel paralysed for a minute or so and then leave. More than anything, it broke my heart to see my mother by my side, trying to keep her sleepy eyes awake every time the pain hit me and my poor Rajesh sitting helplessly on a sofa nearby.

0300 hrs

Doctor comes in again. I am still 4 cms dilated!!!

He suggests that since the baby is doing good, he is going to wait till 12 noon that day and decide. Rajesh suggests if we can go for a csec. That was exactly what i had in mind. My body couldnt take it anymore, i was exhausted, famished and tensed if the leaking fluid was harming my baby.

The waiting game was on.

0800 hrs

The shift in the hospital changes and the nurse who had admitted me the previous day walks in to see me and asks, ‘You are still here?’

It seemed like i was there forever. I wanted to cry.

0930 hrs

Doctor comes to check again. Now each time i got the pain, I would lose my senses and felt i was going blind. He checks and says the baby is doing great but we cannt wait beyond 12. If there isnt any progress till then, we shall have an emergency csec. I was now looking forward to 12 and my csec.

1050 hrs

I was given a mask to breathe through when the contractions hit me; i felt rajesh hold my hand as i was breathing through it. ‘ I cannt take this anymore, i dont think i will survive this; i cannt do this- pls take me back home.’ i told him. All he did was hold my hand tighter as another contraction hit me harder.

LifeLine (my hospital) had some very friendly staff and nurses. The head nurse feeling bad for me, would drop in several times during the day and enquire my well being.

She came in and asked me how i felt and suddenly she asked me if she can do a quick internal check. Now no pain mattered and i agreed. On examing, everything seemed to change and there was commotion. It seems I was now 9 cms dilated, the baby’s head was really down and I was having the real pain.

In between a few nurses hold my hand and say, ‘we are praying for you. God is with us!’  Nothing seemed to make sense to me. I was in pain and wanted the csec soon.

1100 hrs

Suddenly there was chaos!!! My bed adjusted, my legs raised higher, my doctor and a battalion comes in. He does another internal check and instructs me on pushing; i didnt follow a word.

More people come into the room and some harsh lights switched on. The pains suddenly seemed to hurt more or was it because of all the people around, i didnt know. A wave of pain hit me and i hear my doctor and the head nurse say, ‘PUSH PUSH PUSH!’

I couldnt.

A nurse held my hand and said, ‘you have to push’

Another chorus shout- ‘PUSH PUSH PUSH!’

I didnt know what to push, there was an intense pressure down there but i wasnt able to push it away.

‘Comeon PUSH Sithara, PUSH now’, the doctor said.

Along with that i heard a familiar voice, ‘ Chinnu PUSH, our vava is here. PUSH’ that was my rajesh and my needed energy boost. The pain intensed, the pressure grew higher and i thought i was passing out, i pushed!

I opened my eyes, everything was blurt- the chaos grew. My eyes fell on the doc, he had a baby. Was it mine?

I heard some one say,’ baby girl, 11.10 birth time.’.

I saw them pass the baby to another team and in between i saw rajesh with tears. But the doc was still at work. There was a lot of blood around and that made me feel sick.

From somewhere, a nurse hands me a small bundle. The bundle had the prettiest eyes i have seen and it looked at me as if she has been searching for me.

She was tiny, she had big eyes, lots of hair and was pink. Her cry was like a little kitten purring. I couldnt believe that this was the tiny life that was inside me till the last hour. I thanked God for this gift and called her kannmani (meaning apple of the eye in malayalam), she stopped crying, looked at me for a second and then gave me a friendly ‘meow’ kind of noise.

Rajesh comes to me, with a look as though he has conquered the world. ‘Nammulede mole sundariaa, chinnuvinte mooka vavakye (our daughter is beautiful, she has got your nose), he said.

Life had changed and i realised a lot more colors has been added; the baby suddenly became everything.

We have named our little starlet Nakshatra..